Archive for May, 2007

May Inductee to Tom Hall of Fame

Posted in R Kelly, Tom Hall of Fame: May on May 27, 2007 by tomwars

Tom Hall of Fame Inductee

I would like to nominate R Kelly for the May inductee to the Tom Hall of Fame (which automatically gives him General status in the Tom Brigade). He will get his bald head added to the elite and distinguished group of reknown Toms as the “Multi-platinum Molester”.


Black people are amazing creatures. Since their arrival to the wilderness of North America they have retained the holiest of perspectives side by side with the most profane of memories. It is the genetic memory of a proud people who have had everything short of demons crawling out of the pits of Hell to split their insides happen to them since they arrived. However they cannot be dominated, gotten rid of, or scared off. They are timeless. We aren’t going anywhere. Through out their passage they have held their heroes on high pedestals not only to emulate their great works but to expose their weaknesses to prove that none of us can exist above scrunity. Every once a while there comes heroes who despite the grossest of offenses, the black community refuses to abandon because of a fear that “we might not get another”. This month’s candidate for Tom of the Month and the newest honoree to the Hall of Tom is Robert Kelly.

Where does one start? He has a new album coming out. Do I care? Do I need more afro-novella stories of midgets, cops, gay preachers, and scary ass looking women trouncing around in closets and hotel rooms? Sure comedy is always appreciated. Can we hope for another tour with a rapper who can blow him off the stage and keep us laughing all summer with mace spray filled tails. Hopefully. Last rumor was a Best of Both Worlds album with Cash Money’s own Baby. Can you not see how problematic that would be…..I’m going to get to that.

Every year I’m supposed to appear at an event. Every year I give up a Saturday to watch teams of children I coach compete for money by presenting business ideas. Teams of fourteen year olds. First round rooms seat 150 people each while auditorium final round holds 700
people. I have placed in finals 4 years in a row. I have won first place twice. Every year I hear the three same inspirational songs and see how happy they make my kids. Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” and R Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly”. I always hang my head in shame knowing their access to money, the internet (thank God for Myspace filters at schools), and ability to influence children. Beyond role modeling….. I believe these two men have betrayed our children in the media and at home in the hood. Michael has proven himself in Men In Black II (side note: if Rosario Dawson did a movie with him, he must have some redeeming qualities still present) to be from another world. I don’t mean ATLien either. No. He has actually altered his dna to make himself alien so I don’t think he can Tom. Maybe just glow at night. However as Sean Price might put it: “R Kelly your verse when I piss on your weak sixteen”. Well, that about says what we think of when we think of Robert.

With this being said I believe it is safe to say that R Kelly is in fact the mysterious rumored Grand Minstrel of the Tom & Circumstance branch of the elite group known for conducting wars against lateral thinking men of African origin in America over decades through forced migration. Robby leads the dual life as Robert Kelly, momentumental song writer and R Kelly, the man in the mask who hoses our youth on TV for his Syndicate sponsors. Despite the fact that young girls still love him… I believe he is capable of any embarassment with his discharge at any moment. Some times I am wrong and so I searched for objective opinions to give me a counter argument.
I conducted an interview with a colleague of mine at an African Centered think tank near UPenn named Haywood Jablowme. If in fact Robert was descended from the ebonical route heir to Robber. In the process of our initial discussions he then suggested we speak to Dr. Skeetbone Jones on the subject. Haywood stated that: “R Kelly makes me sick…….but not sure he’s on Tom level”

I replied that “well thats very interesting…..he’s got a new album coming as does Mike”. Given the fact that the think tank were educators, I admitted I was uncomfortable with the correlation between Robert and Michael’s popularity despite their pedophilia and how prevalent but unadmitted molestation was in the Black community. I asked if it was okay given that we can only turn on the stereo and be happy people. Haywood replied “werd. What pisses me off…..no pun intended…..about the situation is, mufukkas mad at Kramer and Imus, yet buy R Kelly CDs… he pissing on nappy headed hoes”

I argued that Michael Jackson made Thriller and Imus did not. However that I pointed out that if Imus got fired, alot of colored and not colored internship rich, fresh out of college, waiting to advance, trying to send home home type people would lose jobs. So ultimately, I surmised that both Michael and Imus fuck white kids. However did this make R Kelly… a tom?

What really made me understand the complexity of the issue was when Skeetbone chimed in. I was fully aware of the fact Dr. Jones was an expert in the field as well as a professor of Tom Affairs at the University of Truth. I especially took note the following key highlights of information:

  • Skeetbone: I want to know why that nigga felt the need to wear that stupid mask in public and not on his piss tape. Either one of y’all need to answer me that.
  • Skeetbone: For real man. That shit was mad disturbing. Fuck you gonna go to an awards show wearing a zorro mask, but piss on some underage trim and NOT wear the mask? Fuckin idiot.

I replied that my issue with the whole thing is was simply that. Robert was releasing a song with Usher talkin bout “Same Girl”. Why is Usher and R Kelly dating same girl first of all. Let that sink in for a bit. When crooners sing now a days, its not love songs. It is disposable singles that cost a $1.00 to make at a batch of one song per 40 made in a 3 month period. The songs that are main stay and promoted are so trite on purpose because they are made to be like a private letter to a fan. Let us not forget that Usher dated Chili who had an album named Fan Mail. That is the Second. Does Usher date girls? If so, his fan base is straight high school dance team captain chicks anyways so what women is he smashing? Then if R Kelly is sharing his girl, and aiming for same fan base… shouldn’t we have some restrictions in place by now. Third, we know ALL the names. All the names. All the aliases relate to children stories. Fourth, he wears a mask. Children love super heroes. However where does that leave Usher. Is Usher in a mask for this single as well. Is it Piss Man and Swabbin? Is this Puffy and Mace 1 and 0 all over again? Fifth, I found out today that OJ Simpson was kicked out of Kentucky diner by management because of the press he attracts. I bet they still let R Kelly in public pools.
Dr. Skeetbone Jones replied:

“I’m not into watersports, but I’ve always wondered how one finds out that he/she is interested in being pissed on. When I used to drink, I knew I’d get mad as FUCK if I dribbled piss on my shoe. But LETTING someone piss on you? Hell to the naw, chief. Do you start off with letting someone piss on a toe just to see if you like it? Or even MORE importantly, how do you decide that you like being the pisser and not the pisseee? But word, Pissy Pete needs to be stopped. A nigga that pisses on people should NOT be allowed to make such songs as “Sex In The Kitchen.” I bet Feelin On Your Booty was originally called “Pissin On Your Thigh”.

I asked if Dr. Skeetbone was suggesting the title was once “I Believe My Bladder’s Dry”?

Skeetbone replied:”no Academy, I’m suggesting the name was once “Your Potty’s Calling”

Academy is a contributing writer with TomWars and a research consultant for the TomWars.com

This was underwritten by the You Corp-“bringing you things to think about”

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The Tom Brigade

Posted in Robin Quivers, Uncle Tom, Wilson Goode on May 25, 2007 by tomwars

Over the course of time, we at The Tom Wars will select historical and contemporary beings, who we’ve deemed eligible for enrollment into the “Tom Brigade.” After periods of coon training, and years of tomming, The Tom Wars have deemed these individuals eligible for positions in the Tom Brigade. Over time, you will see new members inducted into the Tom Brigade, and assigned a rank to go along with their induction. Today, we’ll be selecting one world famous tom (or Tomasina in this case), and a Tom who is a little less known, but his tomming is responsible for the deaths of eleven black people, and almost an entire city block (which ironically, or not so ironically, is located in a black neighborhood).

Robin Quivers
(Awarded rank of 2nd Lieutenant)

Widely known as a sidekick, and virtual organ grinder monkey, Quivers made a name for herself by being the constant laugh, and agreeing voice in the background of the Howard Stern show. Over the years, Stern along with his fellow cast members, and call in guests have made countless racist jokes including:

What’s the difference between a hardworking black guy, & bigfoot?
Someday we may see bigfoot!

What do black people and apples have in common?
They both look best hanging from a tree!

While these racist jokes are being spewed over the air, Quivers sits back and emits her patented laugh, all the while giving Stern, his cast members, and Sirius Radio the plausible deniability they need to escape criticism. One begs the question, if Quivers rode shotgun for Imus, would he still be working for MSNBC since she surely would’ve agreed with his “nappy headed hoes” comment, and supplied her “yezza massah” laugh to support it?

W. Wilson Goode
(Awarded the rank of Colonel)

Once upon a time, a bomb was dropped on an American home by a police helicopter which hovered above. The explosives incinerated the house, along with 60 other homes, all the while killing six black adults, and five black children. The corpses of the children were found huddled together in the basement of the house burnt beyond recognition. The fire that ensued, burned for 45 minutes, and left hundreds of black people homeless while a white police commissioner, and fire commissioner looked on.

This sounds like a story that could’ve taken place during the civil rights movement in Selma, or Birmingham, perpetrated by members of the KKK or some random redneck suffering from a wicked case of Napoleon’s complex and erectile dysfunction. Nay! This heinous act took place on May 13th, 1985 in Philadelphia. The man responsible for it, the black Mayor of Philadelphia named W. Wilson Goode. Goode should’ve won a Tony for his portrayal of Pinocchio as police Commissioner Gregor “Geppetto” Sambore pulled his strings and convinced this nutty Negro that paramilitary tactics were needed to get rid of the MOVE members, a “radical” (radical in the sense that Eurocentric minded people, don’t want you to organize and talk badly about American history, and the American system) pro-black organization who occupied the house. In an act to “save lives,” Sambore and his troops armed with M-16, M-50, and M-60 assault rifles, concussion grenades, and explosives, fired over 10,000 ammunition rounds into the house prior to the bombing. Goode, perched in front of his television watched the carnage unfold. Later Goode would apologize for the “gross negligence” that occurred that Spring day, then told reporters:

“You don’t go back and cry over spilled milk. We are all very big people and we have to understand that sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. And we we lose, we stand up and say we lost and move on.”

What I Learned About White People Watching The De La Hoya Fight

Posted in Cinco de Mayo, Floyd Mayweather, Oscar De La Hoya on May 8, 2007 by tomwars


(the above cartoon has absolutely nothing to do with this blog, but it’s a cool cartoon, it’s true, and damn it, I’M writing this blog)

It was windy as shit on Saturday (random fact). I hadn’t been out partying in a while so I said WTF! Go for it. I called up a good friend to find out what he’d be doing, and he reminded me that the Mayweather vs. De La Hoya fight was going down. Normally, I’m up on the fight schedule since I’m a big fan of the sweet science. However, I knew how this particular fight would be. BORING AS SHIT! Mayweather couldn’t hurt Oscar, and Oscar couldn’t hit Floyd. I was right. But why not watch it anyway. Said friend informed me he’d be watching it at a place called “The Mexican Post” which is downtown. Of course at that point I remembered it was Cinco de Mayo. A fight, in a Mexican restaurant? Why the fuck not!

So I drove downtown, parked like 14 blocks away (I swear finding parking sucks penguin balls), and walked to The Mexican Post. As I approached the facility, I heard a very familiar noise. It was a noise I hadn’t heard since St. Patty’s Day. Drunk white people acting a fucking fool! Honestly, I wanted to see a few drunk Mexicans acting crazy. But of course, the bar was full of young white adults. Now I love white people. They’re funny as hell, cool to hang out with, and will generally help you out in your time of need (last statement made in truth, and for Homeland defense purposes). But damn it, I wanted to be around Mexicans! Or at least a few Puerto Ricans!!!

As I stood and watched the fight feeling like an inkblot in a sea of milk, I realized I was bored out of my mind. The fight SUCKED (even though Floyd fought the fight he had to fight in order to win. He boxed, boxed, boxed, and his defense was incredible!), so when I’m bored I always sit back and watch people makes asses out of themselves. As I sat and watched my white comrades, three things came to mind.

  • White people will use any excuse to get drunk
  • White people will adopt anyone as there own to defeat the evil negro.
  • White people (well the ones I was surrounded with) have no clue about boxing!

White people will use any excuse to get drunk!
Okay, seriously, there aren’t than many fucking Irish people in town. During the Saint Patrick’s day celebrations, there were guys with the last name Delvecchio, Steinberg, Romano, and Pantrovsky out getting “shit faced” with green beads on, drinking Guinness, and saying “Top O’ The Morning” to people at 10pm. Seriously, it’s okay to just be a functional alcoholic white people. That old black man sitting at the stop and go restaurant at 6pm everyday drinking Thunderbird or Hurricane doesn’t use an excuse. He just doesn’t give a shit. Like you! Just be an excuse free alcoholic. No need to go out for Cinco de Mayo to get hammered. You were going to do it any fucking way. Just because it was Saturday. Don’t walk around with a Mexican flag, especially since most of you went back to your anti-immigration ideologies when you sobered up Sunday evening. Oh, and while I’m on the subject, white women, PLEASE stop calling yourselves “Mami.” Just because you know the entire “Jenny From The Block” song by heart, and you ate plantains at a Cuban restaurant in Daytona Beach during Spring Break doesn’t make you a “mami.

White people will adopt anyone as there own to defeat the evil negro.
I seriously had a white guy argue me down trying to convince me that Oscar de la Hoya is Italian. Guess he’s from that Italian section of East L.A. C’mon people. Just because he has charisma, doesn’t mean he’s not still of Mexican descent. I thought it was odd that EVERY white person in that restaurant pulled for Oscar. Not that he isn’t a brilliant fighter (I have much respect for him because if nothing else, he shows he has serious heart. He’s fought EVERY major fighter on his era in or near his weight class), but seriously, but it showed me that white folks will pull for ANY other race as long as he’s not black. Black fighters gotta fight a Nazi in order to get white support (peace to Joe Louis). That or fight another black fighter. Then they choose who is more “articulate.”

White people (well the ones I was surrounded with) have no clue about boxing!
There reached a point in the fight where I thought perhaps I thought I was wrong. I had a moment like that in college where I danced with this Lily White Suburbanite (Bernard Collins line) whose rhythm was so horrible she threw me off. I had to literally stop dancing, grab her by her shoulders, and tell her “TWO AND FOUR DAMN IT!” I had a moment like that Saturday where my boxing knowledge was thrown off for a second after listening to every white patron of Mexican Post tell each other that Oscar was kicking Floyd’s ass. Then it dawned on me. It didn’t matter that Oscar couldn’t land any clean punches. Apparently to them, wild punch flurries that land on the opponents shoulders and gloves count as damage. That made me realize that all the Springer fights I’ve seen over the years actually had winners and losers. Most of the fights are by inbred country fuckers on Springer and they consist of one punch, then Jeb or Cooter goes for the legs for a take down. All this time I thought they were lame ass fights by idiots who couldn’t fight. But apparently I was wrong. Those take downs actually count for something. And rolling around on the ground ripping each others shirts count too. I’ll be damned.

The night ended with once Michael Buffer announced the decision for Mayweather. I never saw white people leave so fast in my life. It was as if Farrakhan pissed in the keg. There was about 8 black faces in the crowd and we all grinned. We all had the same grin. You know the grin! It was the grin we as a people had the day OJ was acquitted. It’s not a grin FOR OJ, or for Floyd. It’s just “The Grin!” I am bound by culture to not reveal the secrets of the grin. But you all have seen it, and you all know it’s power.

Long Live Johnny Cochran, The judges who gave me a grand moment over the weekend, and Grabrielle Union, just because I’d freeze her bathwater and make Popsicles out of it.