What I Learned About White People Watching The De La Hoya Fight

(the above cartoon has absolutely nothing to do with this blog, but it’s a cool cartoon, it’s true, and damn it, I’M writing this blog)

It was windy as shit on Saturday (random fact). I hadn’t been out partying in a while so I said WTF! Go for it. I called up a good friend to find out what he’d be doing, and he reminded me that the Mayweather vs. De La Hoya fight was going down. Normally, I’m up on the fight schedule since I’m a big fan of the sweet science. However, I knew how this particular fight would be. BORING AS SHIT! Mayweather couldn’t hurt Oscar, and Oscar couldn’t hit Floyd. I was right. But why not watch it anyway. Said friend informed me he’d be watching it at a place called “The Mexican Post” which is downtown. Of course at that point I remembered it was Cinco de Mayo. A fight, in a Mexican restaurant? Why the fuck not!

So I drove downtown, parked like 14 blocks away (I swear finding parking sucks penguin balls), and walked to The Mexican Post. As I approached the facility, I heard a very familiar noise. It was a noise I hadn’t heard since St. Patty’s Day. Drunk white people acting a fucking fool! Honestly, I wanted to see a few drunk Mexicans acting crazy. But of course, the bar was full of young white adults. Now I love white people. They’re funny as hell, cool to hang out with, and will generally help you out in your time of need (last statement made in truth, and for Homeland defense purposes). But damn it, I wanted to be around Mexicans! Or at least a few Puerto Ricans!!!

As I stood and watched the fight feeling like an inkblot in a sea of milk, I realized I was bored out of my mind. The fight SUCKED (even though Floyd fought the fight he had to fight in order to win. He boxed, boxed, boxed, and his defense was incredible!), so when I’m bored I always sit back and watch people makes asses out of themselves. As I sat and watched my white comrades, three things came to mind.

  • White people will use any excuse to get drunk
  • White people will adopt anyone as there own to defeat the evil negro.
  • White people (well the ones I was surrounded with) have no clue about boxing!

White people will use any excuse to get drunk!
Okay, seriously, there aren’t than many fucking Irish people in town. During the Saint Patrick’s day celebrations, there were guys with the last name Delvecchio, Steinberg, Romano, and Pantrovsky out getting “shit faced” with green beads on, drinking Guinness, and saying “Top O’ The Morning” to people at 10pm. Seriously, it’s okay to just be a functional alcoholic white people. That old black man sitting at the stop and go restaurant at 6pm everyday drinking Thunderbird or Hurricane doesn’t use an excuse. He just doesn’t give a shit. Like you! Just be an excuse free alcoholic. No need to go out for Cinco de Mayo to get hammered. You were going to do it any fucking way. Just because it was Saturday. Don’t walk around with a Mexican flag, especially since most of you went back to your anti-immigration ideologies when you sobered up Sunday evening. Oh, and while I’m on the subject, white women, PLEASE stop calling yourselves “Mami.” Just because you know the entire “Jenny From The Block” song by heart, and you ate plantains at a Cuban restaurant in Daytona Beach during Spring Break doesn’t make you a “mami.

White people will adopt anyone as there own to defeat the evil negro.
I seriously had a white guy argue me down trying to convince me that Oscar de la Hoya is Italian. Guess he’s from that Italian section of East L.A. C’mon people. Just because he has charisma, doesn’t mean he’s not still of Mexican descent. I thought it was odd that EVERY white person in that restaurant pulled for Oscar. Not that he isn’t a brilliant fighter (I have much respect for him because if nothing else, he shows he has serious heart. He’s fought EVERY major fighter on his era in or near his weight class), but seriously, but it showed me that white folks will pull for ANY other race as long as he’s not black. Black fighters gotta fight a Nazi in order to get white support (peace to Joe Louis). That or fight another black fighter. Then they choose who is more “articulate.”

White people (well the ones I was surrounded with) have no clue about boxing!
There reached a point in the fight where I thought perhaps I thought I was wrong. I had a moment like that in college where I danced with this Lily White Suburbanite (Bernard Collins line) whose rhythm was so horrible she threw me off. I had to literally stop dancing, grab her by her shoulders, and tell her “TWO AND FOUR DAMN IT!” I had a moment like that Saturday where my boxing knowledge was thrown off for a second after listening to every white patron of Mexican Post tell each other that Oscar was kicking Floyd’s ass. Then it dawned on me. It didn’t matter that Oscar couldn’t land any clean punches. Apparently to them, wild punch flurries that land on the opponents shoulders and gloves count as damage. That made me realize that all the Springer fights I’ve seen over the years actually had winners and losers. Most of the fights are by inbred country fuckers on Springer and they consist of one punch, then Jeb or Cooter goes for the legs for a take down. All this time I thought they were lame ass fights by idiots who couldn’t fight. But apparently I was wrong. Those take downs actually count for something. And rolling around on the ground ripping each others shirts count too. I’ll be damned.

The night ended with once Michael Buffer announced the decision for Mayweather. I never saw white people leave so fast in my life. It was as if Farrakhan pissed in the keg. There was about 8 black faces in the crowd and we all grinned. We all had the same grin. You know the grin! It was the grin we as a people had the day OJ was acquitted. It’s not a grin FOR OJ, or for Floyd. It’s just “The Grin!” I am bound by culture to not reveal the secrets of the grin. But you all have seen it, and you all know it’s power.

Long Live Johnny Cochran, The judges who gave me a grand moment over the weekend, and Grabrielle Union, just because I’d freeze her bathwater and make Popsicles out of it.


One Response to “What I Learned About White People Watching The De La Hoya Fight”

  1. TheTomTomClub Says:

    That was educational and informative. I wonder how white people would have reacted if both fighters were black.

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