May Inductee to Tom Hall of Fame

Tom Hall of Fame Inductee

I would like to nominate R Kelly for the May inductee to the Tom Hall of Fame (which automatically gives him General status in the Tom Brigade). He will get his bald head added to the elite and distinguished group of reknown Toms as the “Multi-platinum Molester”.

Black people are amazing creatures. Since their arrival to the wilderness of North America they have retained the holiest of perspectives side by side with the most profane of memories. It is the genetic memory of a proud people who have had everything short of demons crawling out of the pits of Hell to split their insides happen to them since they arrived. However they cannot be dominated, gotten rid of, or scared off. They are timeless. We aren’t going anywhere. Through out their passage they have held their heroes on high pedestals not only to emulate their great works but to expose their weaknesses to prove that none of us can exist above scrunity. Every once a while there comes heroes who despite the grossest of offenses, the black community refuses to abandon because of a fear that “we might not get another”. This month’s candidate for Tom of the Month and the newest honoree to the Hall of Tom is Robert Kelly.

Where does one start? He has a new album coming out. Do I care? Do I need more afro-novella stories of midgets, cops, gay preachers, and scary ass looking women trouncing around in closets and hotel rooms? Sure comedy is always appreciated. Can we hope for another tour with a rapper who can blow him off the stage and keep us laughing all summer with mace spray filled tails. Hopefully. Last rumor was a Best of Both Worlds album with Cash Money’s own Baby. Can you not see how problematic that would be…..I’m going to get to that.

Every year I’m supposed to appear at an event. Every year I give up a Saturday to watch teams of children I coach compete for money by presenting business ideas. Teams of fourteen year olds. First round rooms seat 150 people each while auditorium final round holds 700
people. I have placed in finals 4 years in a row. I have won first place twice. Every year I hear the three same inspirational songs and see how happy they make my kids. Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” and R Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly”. I always hang my head in shame knowing their access to money, the internet (thank God for Myspace filters at schools), and ability to influence children. Beyond role modeling….. I believe these two men have betrayed our children in the media and at home in the hood. Michael has proven himself in Men In Black II (side note: if Rosario Dawson did a movie with him, he must have some redeeming qualities still present) to be from another world. I don’t mean ATLien either. No. He has actually altered his dna to make himself alien so I don’t think he can Tom. Maybe just glow at night. However as Sean Price might put it: “R Kelly your verse when I piss on your weak sixteen”. Well, that about says what we think of when we think of Robert.

With this being said I believe it is safe to say that R Kelly is in fact the mysterious rumored Grand Minstrel of the Tom & Circumstance branch of the elite group known for conducting wars against lateral thinking men of African origin in America over decades through forced migration. Robby leads the dual life as Robert Kelly, momentumental song writer and R Kelly, the man in the mask who hoses our youth on TV for his Syndicate sponsors. Despite the fact that young girls still love him… I believe he is capable of any embarassment with his discharge at any moment. Some times I am wrong and so I searched for objective opinions to give me a counter argument.
I conducted an interview with a colleague of mine at an African Centered think tank near UPenn named Haywood Jablowme. If in fact Robert was descended from the ebonical route heir to Robber. In the process of our initial discussions he then suggested we speak to Dr. Skeetbone Jones on the subject. Haywood stated that: “R Kelly makes me sick…….but not sure he’s on Tom level”

I replied that “well thats very interesting…..he’s got a new album coming as does Mike”. Given the fact that the think tank were educators, I admitted I was uncomfortable with the correlation between Robert and Michael’s popularity despite their pedophilia and how prevalent but unadmitted molestation was in the Black community. I asked if it was okay given that we can only turn on the stereo and be happy people. Haywood replied “werd. What pisses me off… pun intended…..about the situation is, mufukkas mad at Kramer and Imus, yet buy R Kelly CDs… he pissing on nappy headed hoes”

I argued that Michael Jackson made Thriller and Imus did not. However that I pointed out that if Imus got fired, alot of colored and not colored internship rich, fresh out of college, waiting to advance, trying to send home home type people would lose jobs. So ultimately, I surmised that both Michael and Imus fuck white kids. However did this make R Kelly… a tom?

What really made me understand the complexity of the issue was when Skeetbone chimed in. I was fully aware of the fact Dr. Jones was an expert in the field as well as a professor of Tom Affairs at the University of Truth. I especially took note the following key highlights of information:

  • Skeetbone: I want to know why that nigga felt the need to wear that stupid mask in public and not on his piss tape. Either one of y’all need to answer me that.
  • Skeetbone: For real man. That shit was mad disturbing. Fuck you gonna go to an awards show wearing a zorro mask, but piss on some underage trim and NOT wear the mask? Fuckin idiot.

I replied that my issue with the whole thing is was simply that. Robert was releasing a song with Usher talkin bout “Same Girl”. Why is Usher and R Kelly dating same girl first of all. Let that sink in for a bit. When crooners sing now a days, its not love songs. It is disposable singles that cost a $1.00 to make at a batch of one song per 40 made in a 3 month period. The songs that are main stay and promoted are so trite on purpose because they are made to be like a private letter to a fan. Let us not forget that Usher dated Chili who had an album named Fan Mail. That is the Second. Does Usher date girls? If so, his fan base is straight high school dance team captain chicks anyways so what women is he smashing? Then if R Kelly is sharing his girl, and aiming for same fan base… shouldn’t we have some restrictions in place by now. Third, we know ALL the names. All the names. All the aliases relate to children stories. Fourth, he wears a mask. Children love super heroes. However where does that leave Usher. Is Usher in a mask for this single as well. Is it Piss Man and Swabbin? Is this Puffy and Mace 1 and 0 all over again? Fifth, I found out today that OJ Simpson was kicked out of Kentucky diner by management because of the press he attracts. I bet they still let R Kelly in public pools.
Dr. Skeetbone Jones replied:

“I’m not into watersports, but I’ve always wondered how one finds out that he/she is interested in being pissed on. When I used to drink, I knew I’d get mad as FUCK if I dribbled piss on my shoe. But LETTING someone piss on you? Hell to the naw, chief. Do you start off with letting someone piss on a toe just to see if you like it? Or even MORE importantly, how do you decide that you like being the pisser and not the pisseee? But word, Pissy Pete needs to be stopped. A nigga that pisses on people should NOT be allowed to make such songs as “Sex In The Kitchen.” I bet Feelin On Your Booty was originally called “Pissin On Your Thigh”.

I asked if Dr. Skeetbone was suggesting the title was once “I Believe My Bladder’s Dry”?

Skeetbone replied:”no Academy, I’m suggesting the name was once “Your Potty’s Calling”

Academy is a contributing writer with TomWars and a research consultant for the

This was underwritten by the You Corp-“bringing you things to think about”


One Response to “May Inductee to Tom Hall of Fame”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    How is R Kelly still making albums? I refuse to let my daughter listen to any of his music. I sit and wonder if they have enough evidence to go to court. Then I realize, THEY HAVE FRIGGIN VIDEO! Funny how common folk can’t get off for parking violations, but R Kelly pisses and sexually violates teenagers and he gets to tour still.

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